In a recent exchange with an old friend, I was confronted by myself. In what was an emotional conversation, they told me they had gathered that I had discussed their love life with another mutual close friend. They said they could forgive me for this indiscretion, however, because, “not to be rude but… you can be a bit like that”.
I ruminated on this slightly backhanded comment in the aftermath of our conversation for weeks, ultimately concluding that, yes – I can be a bit like that. Break-ups, work conundrums, familial tension, budding romances, dangerous flirtations and dubious reconciliations… unless explicitly sworn to secrecy, if you’ve waxed lyrical to me about recent events in your life, it’s in the realm of possibility that I might cite these when speaking to another mutually close and trusted friend. But really, doesn’t everyone?
In the many years I have been close with said friend, we have both engaged in countless discussions about the ups and downs of our other friends’ lives, as I highly suspect our friends have done about us, too. In the vast majority of these interactions, we have spoken about the people we love most with an understanding and empathy that only we, who truly know them, could. We have contextualised our friends’ behaviours and decision-making with the backdrop of their whole lives, often reminding each other of key events or trigger points which may be driving someone to respond in ways that, to the uninformed, seem inexplicable.
On many occasions we have advised the other one how they might best approach a friend in need of compassion, and occasionally in doing so, we might reveal something that only we know. I believe wholeheartedly that our shared relationships have benefited from these tête-à-têtes because it is not always easy to immediately consider the totality of a person, especially if you are directly affected by their actions. I also believe that when it comes to discussing our friends behind their backs, we are far from alone.
The internet’s favourite and bluntest agony aunt, Girls star Jemima Kirke, seems to share my sentiment. In a recent Q&A, responding to someone complaining about their friends discussing their love life behind their back, Kirke answered: “Talking about you when you aren’t there is what friends do. Analysing you and your life choices ‘behind your back’ is common practice, I assure you.” And then she admitted something that people seldom do. “I say ghastly things about the people I love.”
Sometimes, of course, there are instances in which talking about friends is done in ways which aren’t loving, and it’s important we distinguish between the two. In a now notorious essay from former Disney star Ashley Tisdale, she wrote about how she made the decision to distance herself from what she referred to as her “toxic mom group” – a group of other mothers she’d befriended. Among her evidence was that “certain people would get talked about when they weren’t present, and not in a positive way”. When it comes to discussing friends behind their back, intention is everything. Truth be told, I think we all know deep down when we are crossing the line from valid ponderings to salacious gossip mongering – and if you’re not clear, try to tune into the voice in your belly.
Of course, nobody is thrilled at the thought of their life or behaviour being dissected in their absence, but as we all subject our friends to our unqualified psychoanalysis, we have to accept that we might also be their subjects, too. And before villainising such behaviour, we must also ask ourselves: are we without sin? Have we never indulged in a little armchair analysis of a loved one, motivated by the profound interest and care we hold for this individual, or perhaps by the righteous belief that we truly know what is best for them?
In a world that so often judges us for our most superficial or misunderstood flaws, we can always count on our friends to, at the very least, be more concerned with our fundamental ones. So the next time you get wind of a little back chat between good friends, take comfort in the fact that it’s probably a testament to how much they care about you – after all, the only thing worse than being talked about, is not being talked about at all.
